I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
