i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
