that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
