she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
His nipple licking is glorious
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