This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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