my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i barfeds in our rink
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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