Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
