I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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