Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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