really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
