i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
