seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
