He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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