the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
