omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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