why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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