did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
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i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
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You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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