Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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