Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
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I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
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Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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