So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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