I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
