Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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