and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
