new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
