Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
