Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
