I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
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She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
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I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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