i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
