dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
