im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
