3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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