nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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