I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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