remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
