well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
how does that bad decision feel?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
