I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
