i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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