And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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