Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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