Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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