So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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