i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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