Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
