Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
