it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
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