Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
