gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
