So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
