My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
