i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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