Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
