When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Four minutes until I can fart!
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
That's how pantless uber rides happen
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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