the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
