so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
