Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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